so it is...i've finally joined the legions of the undead bloggers. i could go on about the reasons why i'm doing this...maybe i need an outlet for my frustration, perhaps i need somewhere to just start writing again cos writing is part of my job now. do you think my boss will buy that if she catches me blogging at work?...but i'm just practising for when i have to write a press release...*innocent look* this is also the first time in weeks that i've got some time to spare at the office. just have some stuff to read up about a client cos i'm supposed to write the backgrounder on them but i started nodding off when i was reading it so i gave up and started doing the media follow-up on this press release we sent out yesterday...while writing this of course.

so, a quick intro for those of you who don't know me(hmm...then again, i don't even know who's gonna be reading this.) anyhoo, my name is esmond and... i'm lesbian...cos i like girls...go figure.

so anyhoo, i have no idea how thing whole blogging thing works cos it's never concerned me enough for me to find out. i've read a few friends' blogs and a few of the more interesting ones ppl have sent me links to but at the end of the day, if i want to find out about what a friend's been up to, i'd rather just give him or her a call and i'm not a big fan of reading about someone else's life...i don't even enjoy the "reality" tv crap they air on tv these days.

so i'd rather read about an opinion or a viewpoint rather than a diary of bloody events. but inspite of that, i will be talking about stuff that happens to me here cos at the end of the day, i'm writing this for myself and whichever unfortunate soul happens to come across this. how does this whole blogging thing work? are there ppl out there with nothing better to do than to trawl through blog after blog in search of an interesting read?

so not me, that is. talk like yoda, i am. keep this up, i can't. speaking of which, i could have sworn my boss greeted me with a "hi lah" this morning when she came into the office. this is the same boss who would scream at you for making an innocuous grammatical mistake in an email to the client. looks like i've converted or rather infected another person.

so ok, back to why i started writing this. it feels like i don't have anyone to talk to anymore...then again, it's not even that...it's just that i've been whining about the same thing for ages and i think they're kinda sick of hearing the same thing over and over again especially when i'm not taking any of their advice. it's about a girl. i really fancy her but she's still hung up over her ex. i really don't get why i'm so fixated about her...i mean, she cute and smart and nice, as in genuinely nice and not the fakey trying to be nice shit. that and she smokes and plays number ball(billiards) and mahjong! oh, plus she lives nearby as well. she's like my dream girl and all. but that still doesn't explain why i'm so crazy about her...i've only known her for a few months and yet i'm so affected by her. i seriously don't understand this fixation. maybe i just want what i can't have.

so anyway, the problem was that all this while, things hadn't progressed cos she's still in love with the ex but now it's also cos she thinks i'm obsessed with her and she feels pressured plus she's getting irritated by the fact that we spend so much time together and i'm comfortable with just doing nothing and just enjoying her company but that's not enough for her. then again, we haven't actually been spending that much time alone cos we're always playing number ball with my lover and max, jason too before he started work.

so my fag hag was telling me about the whole 2 ladder theory and how girls are only attracted to unavailable guys. the theory does hold true in this case i guess. or for me in general. i've never really tried to go after a girl before and i've never actually had trouble with women before or at least the not being able to get the girl type trouble until now. the mandy issue not withstanding cos that's a different matter altogether and i don't wanna open that can of worms.

so maybe that's it...the one time i actually try to get a girl, it doesn't work out. maybe i'm just trying too hard. the girls think she's just playing me for a fool and just toying with me but in her defence, she's always been very clear that she doesn't want to get into a relationship with me be it cos of her ex or cos she's not ready for anyone.

so things really came to a head last night when she found out that the ex's started seeing someone else so she got all upset and didn't have any fags on her. i did the only thing i could do and drove over with a pack.

so she was crying and all and asking why she's not getting over him. i just told her that she's never gonna get over him if she's not gonna allow herself to. she just refuses to let go. guess i was a tad bit too harsh about it and she got upset. i've been been there all this while when she's been trying to get over him and from my point of view, she's just not letting herself. she'll just keep finding excuses to give herself hope that they'll get back together again, the same thing's happening with a colleague of mine and it's the same with my ex as well. seems that my ex has moved on and that's good. i'd just like to thank my ex for leaving my life in shambles and wish her every happiness.

so i feel like a smoke right now but i've sorta quit. stopped buying since last wednesday. been bumming puffs off my friends and a couple of sticks here and there but on the whole, i think i'm doing pretty well considering the shit i'm going through with the girl and with my work. i think the whole big packs ruling here in singapore is ridiculous. have they neglected to consider the lighter smokers who used to get by just fine on a small pack of fags? and now with the large pack, we're forced to smoke so much more than we used to. double in fact. maybe the government should conduct a survey to see how many smokers have started to smoke more because of this. convenient isn't it? the way i just push the blame unto big brother when it's my own bloody fault that i'm an addict. yes, i suffer from an addiction. admitting it is the first step to quitting...i think. i feel that somehow or other, smokers can't bring themselves to admit that they're addicts cos of all the negative connotations that come along with it. it makes us seem weak and lacking in self control but that is a sad fact isn't it?

so i guess that's enough for now. It's 6.30 pm and i've been at this on and off for about half the afternoon in between doing work. was talking to a friend and she was just telling me that from a pure economic point of view, it's not worth it for bill gates to bend over to pick up a $100 bill cos of the opportunity cost and all. his time is worth more than a $100/sec apparently. I worked out that i earn about 17 cents a minute so this post has cost my company a few dollars in terms of my time...but then again, my time is worth more to the company than what i actually get paid. nevermind...don't even know what i started talking about that.

so i'm off for the day. and for the week actually. it's friday i'm in love!